Contradictory Lifestyle

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"Have you found a job yet?"

No.

This question follows me every time someone finds out I've just earned a Master's Degree. It's taken  two months to build enough confidence to risk my reputation with my answer. The answer's not just, "No, I haven't." The answer hangs largely upon the right question: 

"Are you looking for jobs?"

No. I'm not looking. I'm breathing. 

God didn't just nudge me through six years of higher education to come out of it as a speech therapist. That was not the main goal. I always knew this couldn't be the goal because I spent the first three years of schooling hating speech therapy. The only reason I stayed in it was because He sealed every escape hatch with God-glue . 

I learned to trust. Hindsight now reveals that the majority of my learning came from everything surrounding speech therapy.

At Biola University:

• I learned how to define my beliefs so that they're mine and I can stand by them; otherwise, I'll just follow the "social norms" for a Christian and live a half life. 
• I learned how to build, keep, and remedy friendships. 
• I discovered how to be feminine--discarding my baggy T-shirts and camo pants and wearing tank tops and skirts. 
• Biola showed me that even English classes can be based on the Bible. 
• I discovered purpose and passion behind using my imagination and took my first step into serious novel writing.

At University of Central Missouri:

• I learned, over two years, how to show confidence in my God and confidence in my differences. 
• I learned how to enter into a fully vulnerable and honest relationship that brought me a husband who is now my best friend.
• I discovered the beautiful spiritual significance, magic, and beauty behind marriage.
• I learned how to fear for someone's soul.
• I learned that I care desperately for my clients and patients and I'll never choose to "toughen" myself to the hard situations they are in. I will hurt with them and pray for them. This is one reason God put me in the field--for them.
• I discovered true friendship between Godly couples and how that doesn't have to be foofy, over-spiritual, or full of Christianese (like much of our culture thinks it will be).
• I learned to surrender my own plans for God's, even though they don't usually make sense at the time.

My time in college was not a stepping stone to something greater. It was not just another criteria to fill so I could have a well-paying career.

So if I'm not looking for a job, what am I doing?

1. I'm writing. I'm 70% done with a full-length speculative fiction novel called, A Time to Die. Writing has always been my passion far above speech therapy. At last, God has told me to devote my time to it--time without homework or textbooks or exams. I've waited seven years for this.

2. I'm learning to be a Godly wife. I finally have the time to cook for Daylen and to keep the house clean, not as wifely obligations, but because I want to. 

3. I'm entering into an adventure that God has recently placed before me. The details of this venture will be posted on this blog in exactly two weeks (here it is!). It's a new journey and goal that is stretching me even more to forgo my own reputation and build His.

My choices don't make sense. But the biggest lesson God is teaching me right now is to be confident in Him, especially when my choices may doom my reputation. 

How could I allow my parents to pay for endless schooling and then choose not to work afterward?

How could I spend six years studying something I'm currently choosing not to do?

How can I allow myself to send the message that I'm quitting, I'm lazy, or I'm being irresponsible?

I've told people, "I'll probably look for jobs in January", but the truth is I don't know when I'll look for jobs. I don't know because this is God's show and the more I tell people January, the more He says, "That's not going to work."

I'll look for jobs when He says it's time. Internally, I don't want to enter the job hunt. I'm tightrope walking over the border of bitterness. If I push myself to fulfill the expectations of my career, I'll end up hating it. I don't want to be "clinically competent" in something I hate. I need to protect this career so that it doesn't become a burden.

So, my friends, here is the answer to "Have you found a job?"

No. And I'm not looking. Not until there's a green-flag waving me at the start-gate of speech pathology.