Pre-Test Thoughts

Yesterday: the day before a giant test. Without fail, that day found me the most inspired to write, the most passionate to read about God, and the most anxious to devote time to those I love. Yet the only thing I was allowed to do was study. Or were my priorities off? I would have loved to ditch schooling and spend the day doing those three things with every ounce of zeal inside my veins. God calls me to do those things with my life, but He calls me to schoolwork as well. Sometimes I wonder if Satan is the one flaring up those desires in me every pre-test day...just because he knows I can't give in to them. Or maybe it's just the stress of a test that brings to mind the things I really find important and the areas my focus really needs to stay. Who knows?

Today: the day of the test. I wake up sick, sleep-deprived, and haven't studied near as much as the test demands that I do. YET...I feel like a drop of helium fire, floating and weightless with crackling passion for Christ. I'm always startled when I wake with instant passion, soul-drenching peace, and the contacts of hope in my eyes. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing really matters except for Him. I want nothing but joy and glory for His name.

I wish I could bottle this feeling up and control it in a way--spend a little each day. When it comes out of the blue like it does today, I just want to know HOW so that I can make it happen again. I'm calling it God's test-day gift. This isn't the first time this has happened on the day of a big test. God knows that my brain shuts down if I panic, so He fills me with unexplainable, giddy calm. In fact, an hour and a half long test given by the strictest professor in my department almost sounds...fun. I want to laugh.


Possible explanations:

1. I'm crazy.

2. It's God.

3. I'm crazy about God
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Which one could it be? (That's a rhetorical question) ;) Back to studying!

Oh Christ, my Lord, You have been my dwelling place in all generations. As rabbits to their rock, so I run to You for safety; as birds from their wanderings, so I fly to You for peace. Chance and change are busy in my little world of nature and men, but in You I find no changing or shadow of turning. I rest in You without fear or doubt and face my tomorrows without anxiety. Amen.

--A. W. Tozer (The Knowledge of the Holy)

Double-Sided Truths

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Satan's always whispering, "You're mine."
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They're the most frightening and convincing words he can say. It attacks a fear in all of us--that we're actually dark inside and no amount of good-doing or Bible-reading will get us free from his sneaky claws.

He whispered these words to me last night, telling me, "You're incapable of love. You're messed up. You're broken."

But this morning I woke to God whispering, "I've taught you to love. I've vacuumed your mess. I'm the best super-gluer in existence."

One of the hardest parts of Satan's words are that they're usually true. He tells you words that are true without God. Without God, I am incapable of real love. Without God, I'm messed up. Without God, I'm severely broken.

People say, "Don't listen to Satan's lies." But he lies less than we say he does; instead, he tries to make us forget our Lord by telling us who we are without God. He knows that we fear being distant from God. If Satan can convince us that we are...oh the power he has. 

Take a look at the first time we hear him speak:

"And the woman said to the serpent, "We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.' " "
"Then the serpent said to the woman, "You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." " (Genesis 3:2-5)

The Bible calls Satan "cunning"--having or showing skill in achieving one's end by deceit or evasion. Everything he said to Eve was true: she wouldn't die instantly, but they'd die eventually because of sin. Their eyes would be opened, but their hearts would be darkened (see what I mean by reading here). They would know good and evil, which is a knowledge that God also has, but God knew the pain that knowledge would bring.

You see--Satan told the truth, but shadowed their knowledge of God's character. He said they weren't close enough to God to understand the tree. He just covered the negatives of the Tree with the sparkly paint of desire.
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The trick is to remember what/who you are with God, not what/who you are with Satan. With Satan, you are ugly, you are helpless, you are dark, you are unpleasant, you are incapable of right love. With God, your heart is a thing of beauty because it's given to His artistic hands. You have endless strength. You have life and light in Him (Psalm 36:9). You welcome others into joy and life. You have the greatest teacher of love in all forms.

These words may seem "feel-good" or over-used, but the main question right now is who are you with? That determines what's truth and what's not. Today I'm with God. Tomorrow, I may forget Him in the morning and remember Him in the evening. Satan's truths may be louder in the darkness of night, but I'll cling to unity in God the moment I remember light.

Faith is active. Choice is active. Let's defeat the enemy by being active children of our Master.

Meet the Browns

Loathing.

This word is synonymous with "Brown Recluse". When I think Brown Recluse, I think loathe.

I had a hatch-out a few months ago and went on a killing rampage, smashing here and there with no remorse, no screams, and definitely no tears. I thought I'd gotten them all, but no. The eight-legged beasts were brooding under broken plastic bathroom flooring, growing to the size of rodents, filling every crack, hiding in every corner, masquerading as little brown pieces of furniture...(am I going too far?).

Where were you on August 29th, 2011 at 23:09?

I was in my upstairs bathroom preparing to brush my teeth, but the sink was already claimed. Brown One crawled like spindly molasses across the white porcelain. I'd never seen a body so fat or legs so thick. This was the mother of all Brown Recluses.

I didn't jump. I didn't scream. I didn't fret or freak out. I went into my room and found my Nikon P90 for a memorable photo of the largest Brown Recluse I'd ever seen before I squished his brains out. I also snatched a quarter off my bedside table to compare against the spider. Returning to the bathroom, I zoomed the lens on Brown One a few times, but it wouldn't focus. When I moved to drop the quarter into the sink, my courage wavered. What if I startled Brown One and he escaped?

As if reading my thoughts, Brown One zipped into super-spider-speed and scurried across old toothpaste residue like he was fleeing for his life (or charging an attack).

I screamed bloody murder (something I never do).

My black Sketcher took the place of the camera and I attacked Brown One like Serena Williams playing tennis. 

It took around 7 misses and 3 hits to stun him enough so I could smash him. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder in my attempts, but it was worth it. Brown One sailed down the drain in a curled ball of death. 

Just before the toothpaste mde it to my toothbrush (yes, I still had the stomach to scrub my teeth clean after that), my eye landed on a spikey shadow behind my toilet--holding still. Too still. 

I peered at the form with a glare and let out a "No way...".

Sure enough, Brown Two (only half the size of Brown One) had witnessed the slaughter. I used the toe of my shoe (still in my hand), to end his measly little life. During this murder, I disturbed the plastic overlapping the bathroom flooring under which had been lurking...(drum roll, please)...

...Brown Three--the mother of the mother I'd just killed in the sink, practically the size of Shelob from Lord of the Rings. I was so stunned (and busy shrieking again) that I allowed Brown Three to escape back under the flooring. I then spent ten minutes smooshing the linoleum, hoping to crush Brown Three beneath it. One of its legs popped out of the crack, so I figured I'd done a thorough job, but now my bravery was shaken. Spider carcasses everywhere, paranoia at every black spot on the carpet...

I slept at a friend's house and called pest control the next morning.